Saying 'no' is tough but you have to

It was the first day of 2023, and I thought of making the day a little special for him. He didn't care about it much though. He would rather be happy sucking his thumb and watching blogs on Youtube. I had to take him away from the screen.

Pramita didn't want to accompany us for reasons known to her. The idea was to go to a particular shop and buy a few chocolates. Veer promised me that he wouldn't demand anything more. I started the bike, Veer took his seat, and we headed towards the store. As usual, it wouldn't be a smooth, point-to-point ride. On the way came a fair. Veer checked if we could stop by. I didn't mind. We bought the entry tickets and made an entry. Veer then struggled to resist his urge to take the rides. I was okay with him taking a couple of rides. Otherwise, what was the point in visiting the fair. 

"Papa, can I take three rides? Please, don't refuse. I will take the rides of your choice," said Veer.

I thought that was it. Why would I deprive my son from enjoying a few rides on the first day of a new year? I agreed instantly. 

"Okay, but only three of them. You can choose them yourself," I said as he dragged me to the boat ride.

I got the ticket for him. It was a 5 minute ride. 2 minutes into it and he got bored. Somehow he completed the entire 5 minutes and got out happily to choose another ride.

Next, he chose a bike ride. 

"Are you sure? You have only two more rides to take. Do you want to tick off one with this ride?" I checked with him.

"Yes, I am sure," he said and went ahead to sit on a toy bike. I paid the money.

Two rounds of the ride and he got bored. It seemed he didn't enjoy the rest of the rounds. He kept thinking which ride he would take next.

As expected, as soon as he alighted the bike, he wanted to take the trampoline. 

"Are you sure? You are going to exhaust your options with this last ride, so choose wisely," I checked with him.

"Yes, I am sure," he said and entered the trampoline, following which I paid for it.

Veer jumped inside the trampoline twice or thrice and looked at me. I knew what would follow. 

"Papa, please allow me to take one more ride," he requested.

"Enjoy the trampoline first. We will discuss it later," I said to encourage him to enjoy the present.

It was not about a ride but his basic nature that bothered me. Veer was never satisfied no matter what he got. He was not supposed to come to the fair. It was me who wanted to buy him some chocolates. He already took three rides which was his own call. And, then he was making another request.

Helpless, I allowed him to take one more ride. He chose to jump in the castle. Even though he entered the castle, mostly he sat at a corner and watched others jumping. He was already tired.

Anyway, once the time was over, the king left the castle. And I went ahead to start the bike. He was about to take the rear seat when his eyes fell on the toys a vendor was selling. 

The idea of buying toys would receive a big 'no' from me. Veer knew it. 

"You won't buy me a face mask, will you?" he checked hesitantly.

The way the question was framed melted my heart. 

"We are not supposed to as we have a room full of toys. But let's see how much it costs," I said and headed towards the toy seller. Veer followed me with all enthiciasm.

"How much is this for?" I checked the price of the face mask that Veer liked.

"50 rupees," she said after looking at Veer's excitement.

At the most, the price of the mask would be 10 rupees. I decided not to buy it at a price 5 times costlier. The sense of being cheated is more hurtful than that of being refused. But that statement was valid for me. For Veer, it was the other way round. He didn't mind me getting cheated as long as he was not getting refused. 

I tried to convince him. From his past experience with me, somehow he knew I wouldn't buy it at a much higher price and from a cheater. 

"But you will have to buy it for me tomorrow," he argued.

I promised him the same and on our way home, I also bought him a chocolate.

He held the chocolate in his hand and thought about the face mask. "But why can't you buy me the mask today?"

I could but wouldn't. Patience was something Veer never had. And I was to be blamed for it. I mostly made things available to him as soon as he demanded. He never learnt how to get the fruit of labor. Bad parenting, I would say. I woldn't continue my mistake any more.

Therefore, on the first day of the new year, my son had to be upset for not getting one thing that he didn't plan to buy initially and didn't get instead of being happy for the four things he didn't plan to experience initially but had them eventually. 

I got my lesson. It's not about how much you get. It's about how well it has been presented to you.

A lecture from me couldn't convince the 7 year old. That was too much adult language. Will try to explain to him better next time.

The Story of the "Fla"

"Fla" is a term that Veer has coined. So what it means? It's any piece of cloth that Veer approves to be worthy of holding while sucking his thumb. Of course, not every piece of cloth is worthy of that.

So we normally wondered how the word came into existent. It took us back to the day Veer came home first time after he was born. We used to wrap him with a white cotton saree. As Veer grew up, he started sucking his thumb while hold one corner of that saree. Whenever he cried after having food, we used to hand the corner of the saree to him. He would then suck his thumb holding the corner and stay calm. We called the saree "Kapda" as called in Hindi. 

Initially, Veer used to omit the first letters of every word he would pronounce. So "plate" was "late" for him and "cycle" was "ycle" for him. Similarly, "Kapda" became "pda" for him. However, from his stuttering voice, it sounded like "Fla". We repeated it. Now, he is four and half. That white saree has disappeared. Veer still sucks his thumb holding a handkerchief which he calls "Fla".

Empathy

I don't know if I need to blame myself for this or think that it's just part of the process. Veer is now four and a half and cannot take a defeat in a game. I am sure he will learn it one day. But as a father, I would like him to learn this art of having a sportsman spirit in everything in life.

I was playing hockey with him at home today. I allowed him to score two goals and acted to display my disappointment on each goal he scored. Then, by mistake, I scored a goal. His reaction - threw away the plastic hockey, went to the bedroom and closed the door. I knew he would come back after some time and that happened. We played again. This time, I was even more cautious and making sure I didn't score a goal. I let him score a goal. While he was celebrating, I threw my hockey and went to the bed room and smashed the door.

After sometimes, he came inside, gave me a cricket bat, and said, "papa, you play with this. It will be easy for you to score a goal with the bat." He was ready to be defeated to see me happy.

I don't know whether he has started to learn to accept defeat, but I am sure he has started to have empathy. I am happy and feel proud for the same.

Teaching Veer in a Fun Way

Veer goes to school now. He is in Junior KG. However, upon his return from school, when I ask what he did in school, he normally responds saying "Bohut masti kiya".

Veer has developed a general tendency of irritating by asking same questions again and again. He is ignorant that we also enjoy it when he does so. Last night, I was telling my wife that my First Class train pass has expired, hence the next day I would have to travel in Second Class. Upon hearing it, Veer started with his questions.

Veer: Papa, what will you do if the Second Class pass expires?
Me: I will travel in Third Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Third Class pass expires?
Me: In Fourth Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Fourth Class pass expires?
Me: In Fifth Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Fifth Class pass expires?
Me: In Sixth Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Sixth Class pass expires?
Me: In Seventh Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Seventh Class pass expires?
Me: In Eighth Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Eighth Class pass expires?
Me: In Ninth Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Ninth Class pass expires?
Me: In Tenth Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Tenth Class pass expires?
Me: In Eleventh Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Eleventh Class pass expires?
Me: In Twelfth Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Twelfth Class pass expires?
Me: In Thirteenth Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Thirteenth Class pass expires?
Me: In Fourteenth Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Fourteenth Class pass expires?
Me: In Fifteenth Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Fifteenth Class pass expires?
Me: In Sixteenth Class.
Veer: How will you travel if your Sixteenth Class pass expires?
Me: In Seventeenth Class.
Veer: I am done now.

I could never have made him go from "First" to "Sixteenth" in any other way.

The Toy Car and the First Case of Rejection

Normally, I don't want to spoil Veer by pampering him. However, when I give him stuff he demands, I feel I am getting it for myself (won't get into the reasons of this feeling).

When Veer was around one and half years old, we were roaming around in the society. Veer saw a child riding his toy car. He wanted to ride that car for some time. He asked me to talk to that child and borrow the car for some time. However, as I wanted Veer to communicate for himself, I asked him to do the talking. Obliging to Papa's suggestion, Veer approached the child and asked for the car. Instead of giving a positive gesture, the child pushed him back. This was, I think, Veer's first rejection. He used to have his way before that. Hence, he came back running to me, showing a finger at the culprit. I brought him home and consoled.

Veer cried for some time and went to sleep. Pramita told me that Veer would sleep for an hour or so. It was already 10 PM. I called my friend Ramdas. We went to the market. There was a cycle store almost on the verge of shutting down. We requested the owner to remain open for five more minutes. Somehow, she agreed. We bought a toy car, more expensive, better, bigger than that of the other child.

So when Veer woke up, he had the car in front him. Instead of riding it right away, he asked me to take the car downstairs. Once I took it downstairs, he asked, "Now, call that child. I will show him my car."

Veer was only one and half, but possessed so much of anger and sense of retaliation.

First Case of Mistrust

In the first four years, Veer had rarely showed any expression from which we would know that he didn't trust us. There were very small arguments that had taken place where he would say, "papa, I don't love you. You didn't bring me this toy." And when I would reply, "Don't you know papa always fulfills your desire. You are a grown up now. You need to understand.." He would quickly respond, "Then, why don't you buy me this toy."

Those were just conversations I would say and not a case of mistrust. However, that day it happened differently. We went to Nani's house. Veer and Priti got down from the bike. As I was parking the bike, he kept looking at me without batting an eye lid. I asked both of them to go ahead, hinting that I would follow. Veer said, "Give me the key of the bike." Before I understand anything, he took away the key from me and said, Now, I am sure you will follow us. Without the key, I wouldn't have trusted you."

It came from nowhere. The whole night I kept thinking to find the reason of his mistrust, if I had done anything in the past which would have fuelled his mistrust. Didn't get the answer. 

First Outing Alone

Veer has turned four last month. However, it has been tough for us to leave him alone. Wherever he wants to go, he always enjoys company of papa, mamma, peesa, nani, or didi.

A few days back, Veer wanted to visit the shop outside the society and buy some candy. What he says is, "papa, Come. I will take you with me." We all laughed at this. So he replied, "I won't take you with me. I am going alone." He had one rupee with him.

Our impression was that he would come back from the stairs. However, he didn't return from there. We didn't hear his footsteps as well. So I ran to follow him. What I saw from a distance is that he was walking very normally as if he go out alone everyday. Not even once he looked back to check if anyone is following him.

After Veer stepped out of the society, our neighbour Mahesh saw him and stopped him. Mahesh looked puzzled as he had never seen Veer going anywhere alone. When Mahesh asked Veer where he was going, the latter replied "I am going to buy a candy." Mahesh looked around and found me. I hinted him to let Veer move ahead.

Soon Veer came to the main road. Now he had to cross the road. He struggled high time. Looked scared but didn't lose hope. It was when a four wheeler was approaching him, I appeared in front of him. I thought he would be exhilarated to see me. However, he was disappointed. Showed his anger to me for I had ruined his plan of a solo outing. I realised that he wanted to achieve something by winning over his fear, but I became the bottleneck.

As I held his hand to help him cross the road, he threw his hand and asked me not to touch him. I followed his instructions diligently. He crossed the road with a little more confidence and went to the shop. The shopkeeper didn't want to take the coin from him for the candy. Veer angrily said, "Take it". Amused, the shopkeeper looked at me. I gave a nod and then he took the coin with a feeling of guilt.

While coming back home, Veer repeated this one question - why did you follow me? I was telling myself, "maybe next time, I will be a little braver and bestow my confidence in you. I already know you are brave. Proud to be your father. Happy to see you grow up."